~Lipid

4:35am: The Sadness has caught up. I all of a sudden hurt inside about what david has done. I don't know if i miss him per se, can't trust my emotions really... but i know i hurt. I know i'm sad. I know this isn't what i had wanted and i don't know why it has happened this way.

I can't help but ask the empty air, why? What did i do so wrong to deserve this? Was i not as good as a girlfriend as i could be? What did i do or didn't do that earned me such sucky treatment? I cared about him, I was considerate, i looked for work for him, I looked for work for me down there. i planned with him, i dreamed about him and with him. i wanted our life together... i was going to be his wife. be his companion, be his lover. Give him any sex he wanted, make him coffee, listen to him about poker, give him shoulder rubs, worry about his health, join him in his health quest, talk about movies...


i mean, wasn't i giving my all? everything he could possibly want.... and yet i wasn't good enough. I didn't rank enough to be treated decent in the end. I was able to be heartlessly cast aside. I meant nothing in the end. I gave so much of myself... and i ment nothing in the end. How that tears at me. how that rips my heart, and spits on my wounds. I wasn't enough. I wasn't enough... I gave my all and it wasn't enough.


And i don't know why. i wasn't ever given the information... i have yet to learn my failings.... and so i'm left to wonder if i'll repeat my errors later in life. If never educated, so hard to improve.


Some would say, "wasn't your fault, you did everything you could do right.... it was him. he was the flawed one" and part of me could see that... but part of me doesn't understand how presented with someone giving it their all, doing everything 'right' is still not right. how someone else could be so messed up on that end to not at least respect it and be grateful and try to meet partway.


I hate hope. I have always hated hope... cuz too often, more than i like, my hope gets broken burned and desecrated. it destroys me, because i hoped. If i never hope, then the pain is less when something bad happens. Because the bad only goes down to it's degree of bad, it doesn't destroy the good i had foolishly thought there was.


How could the fucktard do this to me? WHAT THE HELL? why? why can't i have that answered... why wasn't i enough. it isn't right. nor fair.

but what is right or fair in this world. very little. and if one finds something fair, it is a fluke.


gawd, it is enough to make me bitter on life. no wonder i felt so bad that night that i did myself wrong.


but i'm not going to let it kill or destroy me. I may of thought him better than he is, but he wasn't so great that his rejection is the end of life or purpose.

and then a surprising miracle happened. who knows the reason, or the outcome, but it's timing, it's effect are so outstanding GOOD for me right now, i really don't care to ponder the source.

I made a friend who gave the right sort of shit i wanted/needed at this time. I met a friend who could do nothing but tell me good things about myself. things that i never thought were good to begin with... that david sure as hell never thought good but thought bad. I made a friend that though he doesn't know all my flaws, saw so many pros in me, and couldn't help but tell me. I met someone that helped me feel better about myself when i was getting input that would degrade me so far. I met a counteractive to the hurt i was feeling. A reason to smile thru the tears. A reason not to feel so bad. I met someone who was willing and able to treat me as david never treated me... and treated me as david SHOULD of treated me.


and that has made a world of difference. To be able to remember what james has said to me, the look he gave me, the flatters he genuinely lavished upon me. the touches, the kisses... Soothes as no ointment could. Dries my tears and lets me breathe again amidst the feeling of falling. It is a miracle to me.


Such a soft and kind soul. Not yet as jaded or cynical, even though life likes to give him hell. A man of AMAZING will and accomplishments, what with his weight loss. That... that is like telling me you climbed mount Everest without using your arms! That amazing and outstanding and impressive! I don't think my awe could actually ever be expressed for him to know the extent of the amazing. A man of great generosity, not for personal gain, but purley to help. A man of humor and affection. /sigh Quite what i ever wanted from david, but was never able to get, even though it was i tried to give.

David was a cold and barren landscape. i did not reap what i sowed most of the time. If i tried to grow good things, i got back a poor harvest.... If i ever sowed bad things, i got it back 10 fold and bountiful.

Doesn't feel that way with my interactions with james however. I don't know him very well yet... time gives more info.... but even with very little effort put into, i received so much back. and man, was that refreshing.


I do worry though. If i do anything... i want to NOT HURT james. I don't want to embitter him, jade him or make him scorned in life. He is too sweet and still pure enough. I just fear that i may do him wrong, as I'm a wounded animal. When a wounded animal is encountered by a kind hand the animal can't always prevent from lashing, from harming, even though no harm was intended to the beast. Those who always try to heal the broken get hurt... But i don't want to hurt him. He doesn't hardly know me, but he tries to heal me. This is a sign of a caring man.

I worry that i may hurt him because i'll use him. I'll use him to heal myself, fix some of the scaring david has caused... but in the end, not be able to give to james what he'd like. I know what emotions i feel, but i don't know the real source, or the real reason or the real intentions. So i can't always understand my actions or thoughts or feelings. and unclear motives cause troubles.

James is still pure. He is starting to get bitter by life, but is still pure enough not to be scorned.


I fear that i'll form some sort of emotional attachments out of need or desperation... but they won't be based off of correct reasons that they'll eventually fail and harm. I fear that he may form an attachment to me off of wrong reasons, and I'll have to tell him so and it will hurt.


there is enough obstacles in the way, that even if miraculously it turned into a mutual caring/loving relationship THING... there would still be problems. His heart is currently with another, though not available... there is distance... there is money.


but i suppose i shouldn't worry about that now. Perhaps the most miraculous thing will happen and we can form the right sort of relationship that does not need to deal with the obstacles, and does not harm anyone but just lives peacefully. that would be good too.


in summation: i hurt because david no longer wants me, for whatever reasons he may have. I feel rejected and unworthy, even though i feel i gave my all and was as good as i could be and that was in fact pretty dang good girlfriend. I feel blessed by the spirits to of met james to help me keep my sanity and feel good about myself despite the poison that i got from david. and i feel worried about what it means, my friendship/interactions with james, where it may go and what might be the consequences.

1:34am: i hurt myself today.

purposefully.


i hurt inside. i showed myself my pain physically. i'm very disappointed in myself.

the endorphins were amazing... very much calmed me down. the pain, exquisite.


the intent was there the action was mild. just scratching my arm/wrist. no blood, but did leave some raised marks, pull up some skin. the warmth and fire afterwards was something to be relished.


i then tried to get drunk. my only substance available. i was seen. i was scolded. i felt guilty. poured half of it out.


i had also made it too strong, i don't want to get sick. oh wells.




i guess i never realized how close i was to the bottom of the hell hole... until i lost my hope. i didn't even scorn myself for giving into the urge to hurt myself. and i know how sick it is to relish it afterwards. but i did.


i look at the knifes in the kitchen.

i looked at the pine sole in the bathroom.

i asked someone of knowledge if they had drugs. their response was 'you don't want drugs' i wonder if they do have em.



am i really so low that i don't care? possibly.


i feel no one gives a shit and even if they did give a shit, i don't give a shit that they gave a shit.



it is hell when you lose the light at the end of the tunnel, when the abyss is following you.



i stopped moving away from the abyss, and i just stood still... it may swallow me yet.

12:08pm: excerpt from a chat i had..
feels worse to stay silent. s o i'll blather on here, but pelase don't think i'm expecting to you pay attenion when we both know you are dealing with else what. i just don't want the words and feelings to keep bouncing in my head. so i type them out.
stuff like this i sometimes put in a journal, i use to have an audience for the journal, but not anymore.
i am not sure why some peeps crave an audience for their journals, their thoughts. friends or strangers, doesn't matter. i guess it is to get imput, or smpathy, or understanding or acceptance, from anwyewrhes.

i absoultly hate that i'm atempting to persuasde you. I know you need your time to take care of and deal with yoru panic and whatever else it is you need. I am just too selfish to just allow it. i'm trying to put my needs first. and my needs are to be there, away from here. to be with you, with a friend again. especially since the fallout with my sis, i've felt more alone and ostricized than before.
i have no space, no privacy nothing is mine. i'm also pretty lowe on the totem pole with lots oft hings.
so when no one is awake, i have a bit of time, but as soon as they are awake, they are in control, and if they don't want me, or want what i want, i'm on the losing end.
i supose angela's phone is fixed, but i havn't called her.
and she hasn't called me either.
i feel that has died.
i dont' spend time with mom since the first time i moved out of the house down to your place. my spot in the room got replaced.
and i don't have my sister it feels. that is my fault i'm sure, but i don't feel it.
all i have left is you. and no fault against you, you aren't ready for me yet cuz of your own life.
and all i feel is slap you suck slap you suck slap you suck you have no purpose here everywhere i turn. weather it is intentional or not.
i supose i could fight. struggle the river and make a place for myself.
but i don't feel strong enough to do that. i'd rather get run over by the headlongers.

12:35am: why?
so, where are my friends when I feel my insides are being ripped out of me?

oh yeah, i really don't have any friends.

mostly cuz i pushed everyone away out of shame....


i can accept that it wasn't a personal attack at me... but you did do me wrong. and then to be so hostile because i let you know i'm upset, that i'm leaving because i didn't know when you'd be back.. I didn't throw my anger in your face. I didn't even lay it on you, you asked.


i find my only value in life anymore, is to be a companion/friend to others. they like me around, so i'm around. but if no one wants me around anymore, I lose purpose. i have no reason to live. I'm not bettering the world around me. I'm a burden, a waste, a loser. if i can't be given the chance to fulfill the role of companion/friend, i have no reason.


how miserable to count my reliable people on three fingers.... and more often than not,2 out of 3, or all 3 are not avaialbe. I can't survive on my own apprently. i'm a giaint waste of flesh remember? i'm a leech. i'm a parasite. a burden.


but if no one wants what lil good i have to offer anymore... i get lost.


I get hurt so bad. and I tried tried tried tried tried tried to deal with my upset ness correctly. and it did me no good. should i throw a fit in her face? w ould that make a difference? should i just lie and say 'oh everythings fine?' and bury it inside? no, none of those would of been right.


i've got to get out of here. this is not a good place for me. i feel myself dying. more and more and more i want to break. I want to scream, i want to yell, i want to throw things and beat thigns and break things... but no. raye can't do that. raye is a good kid.


so that leaves me with no outlet... no one wants to be around me anymore. then again, i pushed everyone away remember? so really this is the world i created for myself, for wahtever reason.

i almost don't want to be friends with her anymore. jsut because of how hostile she was... when i was trying to do it right.


but if i get a chance to leave, i won't have to deal with her anymore. i could leave my whole life here.... and wrap it all up in one person? no not good either. maybe i'll find friends there. doubtful. i don't make friends anymore.


did i have the look of pure hate on my face? I hope i hid it. i didn't mean it. not really. i don't blame him. and really i wouldn't of blamed her if she had explained more, and been more considerate... and hadn't responded so hostile back.

maybe she expected my hostlitity, and even though i didn't shove it at her, but let her know of my upset, she over acts to it.


why do i feel like i got stomped on and spat upon... but she is the one angery at me.

am I really just a selfish bitch? so caught up in my lil hell that i don't have give others their?

i don't think so. but i'm sure she would say i was.

8:03pm: not bad
and then i have a day that isn't bad.

took me to the movie i really wanted to see. he didn't go, but did some erronds. paid for it, and some munchies. picked me up and then we grabbed some food. FAZOLI"S! man it was good. i had already drank 52oz soda from the movies, so i didn't get pibb.. :( but as we were leaving, he filled up his soda cup with pibb for me to take home. Nice thought and gesture.

We get home and I take care of dishes promptly cuz that is what i'm supose to do, and i ahd dishes on my desk. whiles i'm doing that he is installing a surprise into the bathrom for me... HAND HELD SHOWER HEAD! i'm not ashamed to admit i use those for naughty. and it gets me in the shower more often, which was the point ;P we then spend the rest of the evening planting flowers and herbs in lil seedling planter pots he got. I was so amused, i pull out the seeds and the first TWO packets i see are Nasturtiums. the uber amusment is that is my main's name on world of warcraft. i've identified as Nasturtium/nas/nast NOT NASTY for the past 2 years. so i was tickled. i don't think he quite knew it, but still. so we plant seeds. it was nice. teamwork. watched the begning of a movie we had seen the endish of. not really paid attention, but it was on. and yeah. nice day.

he's napping now before he goes to work. I tried to be helpful by making him a sammy for lunch at work... but i'm worried the stale bread will turn him off from it. but i accept that as a positlivty, cuz i wouldn't want to eat it...

It is enjoyable days that makes me happy to live here. it isn't a chore but a pleasure to sadle up close to him in bed. Some times i do it out of obligation, some times i do it cuz i want to be close. However i know for a fact that even if it is good for a bit, a bad could become a BIG BAD and really fuck shit up. but i will remember, and enjoy the good while it is. I think it helps a lot that he is GOOD at his new job and he ENJOYS it. and money income is nice :D

3:04pm: sadly, i've been reduced to having to keep a running tally of the ways i feel wronged. I need to recorde, nitpick every lil thing he does that bothers me sincerely, so i can bring it up when the time comes. because stating, "i don't like it when you call me bitch jokingly" and NOT having time and date and situational proof it happend is apprently not good enough, even though he knows it happens.


I just hate that i have to be petty about asking him to treat me better. but if i'm not able to keep memory in my head, i guess i have no other option. too bad he doens't feel inclined to treat me as an adult. LOL the horror.

1:50am: ass whipe
Really, what right does he have to say that my convo with my best friend was not important? To interupt, numerous times, and with piss ant shit such as singing and call for threesomes or threat of tattoos. How inconsiderate. I wonder how much more inconsiderat-ness i can handle before i snap.

and unfourtunatly, I can't tell him how his behaviors upset me, as he does not feel he is doing anything wrong, and the fact that it bothers me makes me the bad guy in the situation. so less damage is done if i just silently suffer.


I am starting to feel taken advantage of. I do my near damndest to be helpful and make his life better and easier overall. the lil things you know? and yet... he does little to NOTHING to make my life any easier. and if i ask for something, it is nearly a crime. i crime of laziness or 'trying to get the least effort'

There is nothing wrong, in my opinoin, that if you can succesffully accompolish goals with 'least effort' then go for it. It is being effeicent and productive and clever.

i am at least glad that when he told me, "i don't feel like doing it for you" I was able to rebuttle with "there is plenty i do for you when i don't feel like it" he noted it was true and then assisted with what i needed.


I don't like that he insults me in 'play' I don't like his 'in play' death threats to my cat. I don't like his 'in play' insults to my loved ones.

It really makes me wonder why i stay with him. I don't much like him. i know i don't love him. i wouldn't want to love him. I like the life he can provide for me, the enviornment there it is. allows my efforts to beter myself be on fertile ground than on poisioned dead ground, like at home. Maybe i'll go back home with my rampant growth and fix it. unlikly, but a slim possilbity.

and i like him when he is nice. I like him well when he is nice. but his nice is so rare and far between, and he gets 'annoyed' so easily with me for very simple things. i think he gets annoyed with me everytime i disaprove or don't like his behavir. i think it is unfair to hold it against me. I don't start on a hate fest every time he doesn't like what i do.


So i find myself likly useing him until i can get enough growth to survive in a different environment. I hate that i can't ever quite tell him the truth, else there would be dire concequences... "get the fuck out of my house" which is the last thing iw ant to do. I'm not ready to 'get the fuck out of his house"... yet.


I supose it would be less bad if i could at least presnet him with my problems i'm having w/o fear of worse case everytime.


selling my soul to better the parts i keep.

11:52pm: The voices of my longing call out your name
Been silent for a while.

Thanks for all the birthday wishes!


I wrote poetry.





The voices of my longing call out your name.
I am resting. The airy darkness weightlessly dusting my surroundings;
an envelope of comfort

I ponder the calling cries, distinguishing each voice and it’s name.

Lithe and flity, my voice of fantasy calls out to you.
Dreaming and scheming grandiose themes.
Fantasy is thorny vapors, let if float by

Without any legs, the voice of desire, of my lust whispers your name.
Of little foundation, yet solid form, it crawls.
Desire eyes fantasy and awaits it’s brethren to bestow purpose.

Standing firmly, friendship keenly calls out your name.
The most steadfast of the voices, it rarely sways and doesn’t stay defeated.
Friendship is blessed, for you share in it’s song

The last voice, closest to mine, is my voice of love.
Such a timid, yet true voice that calls your name!
Such a brave voice, presenting itself to be heard.
Love knows you hear and gladly suffers your silence.
Love will live just to be heard; love does not require answers to it’s plea.
Love just is.
Existing in it’s place, so close to my heart, your name on love’s lips…

All these sounds, voices, cries of your name;
I relish in them all as I rest.
I fold the warmth of your name around me, close my eyes,
And dream of your face.

7:32pm: "do you have the time
to listen to me whine?
about nothing and everything all at once?"

"I am one of those
melodramatic fools
neurotic to the bone no doubt about it."

"Sometimes I give myself the creeps.
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me."

"It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up"

"Am i just paranoid
or am i just dumb?"

~Greenday, Basket case

9:22am: how easily i change sometimes.... and how stubborn to change i can be.


I don't ever seem to hold to one thing... i act so erratically, not soly because i'm looking for what is best for me, despite how i am inside... but because the inside changes so much, just going with what comes for me.


that doesn't make sense.


to those who read the last post, forgive me for it. I in a fit of internal confusions, wrote what was going on at that time. that moment. I wrote it for some adivice. when i can not solve myself inside, advice is useful.

since the last post, myself has changed drastically. I no longer feel for that man i can't have. He tore my love up. it is gone. I don't love him anymore. I'd care to be his friend, but even that has proven difficult...

and i wanted to be a better gilfriend to the guy i thought was my boyfriend. Before i knew he was upset with me, i had already resolved to make things better. to put forth effort and change within myself and my actions to be a better person, and a better girlfriend. He didn't deserve such a fuckup treatment as I was giving. and I was ready to change that. alas, though, he is upset with me. I did not get a chance to fix my errors in behaviors before the conciquences resulted.

so now, I plea to him forgivness. I plea to him understanding that yes i errored, i know i errored, i even know how and why i errored. But i no longer wish to continue the error, the mistreatment. I've desires to be better, if given the chance. I even had a game plan on how to be better... i didn't just have open ended desires of improvment, but no, had a plan of actions and had started taking steps toward it.

I'd like a restart button in life. Right now, quite a bit, cuz i fucked up something that had potential, but now i got my head out of my butt. I'm not as much of a butt-head, but i still fucked up. a restart button, go back to last save point... RE DO!

So to those who read the last post, and formed an opinion about me expression my confusions and looking for advice... please note that i'm no longer the person who feels what was written. I no longer feel the ways that i had said in the post. The ways i express in this post. this post ment to tell people... this is how i feel. the last post is no longer accurate, and was me just talking outloud, in hopes of advice.

Please do not judge me unfairly by last post. It is not who i am now.

4:09pm: My heart has a part of it that has someone's name on it.

this man who i have reserved my love for at this time... he can not take it.

My heart is given to a man who i can not have.

and i think... i think there is a part of his heart with my name on it too.

but then there is the part of his heart with his wife's name also. a much bigger part i think.


I love a man that can't be mine. He cares for me, but won't have me.



And... I have a boyfriend. He just holds a portion of friendship. He is not the man i want. And I don't forsee him gaining any of my true affections. He is aware of all of this, but it still isn't fair to him.


and at this time, i have no one. the man i love and I... so much turmoil and can of worms... because it can't just be back to how it was... but we can't pursue how we feel... the frienship is stunted because growth would lead back to more feelings, but backpeddling is impossible. and the boyfriends does not meet my needs or perhaps my wants. and isn't even avaialbe at this time to share it with. to change, to end or to progress and grow. not till sunday.


So i am left, so emotionally turmoiled. Can't find solence in my love... can't even find anything out of the one who should be available, but isn't at this time.

So i break my lj/xanga/myspace silence to share all of this. scared who will read, and who will be hurt.



I am not the best of persons. I think both should leave me high and dry... let me suffer my errors all on my own. no need to drag the others.

and then if i could only forget my errors, and not be sad myself... then all would be happier.

or at least, think they were happier.

1:00pm: got a tat for my birthday



Left calf.  got it day after birthday...

went to casino for birthday adn got free money, didn't win any though.

still no job.  I have had prolly 7 interviews in 2 months or less and nothing.

Still playing WoW.   I have a 50 Draeni pallidan now.  Woot.


Overall misery because i'm lonely as sin.   After not having justin in my life,  and with my stephy going back to japan...  That left me with just angela.  And i love her. Dearly and we spent time together...  But now she has a job from 11am til 9pm...  so during the day, she is not aviaialbe, and I can't even visit her at work like i use to...

and she is always with morgan or josh...  I rarely get to just see her anymore.   and today, we were supose to spend time together, just us...  and I can't find her.  I'm really kinda hurt about it.


Took exboyfriend sam wise to a drag show...  that was fun.    In fact we are going to walk and talk at the park today.  I'm thankful because today has been plum miserable and it hadn't been long. yet.

    

2:07pm: I'm out of meds that prevent the urges...  the bipolar meds.  I'm keeping tabs on my thoughts and behavoir.

I am still on the anxiety/depression meds, as i have lots and I don't take the 30mg, but the 20 mgs, so that gives me half more than i would of had.

I've been lamenting justin all day.  It's been a month since the breakup.   I don't so much lament him, though he did own some traits that were perfect for me....  but i lament the lack of sig nificant other.  I had started hanging out with sam by this time last year, even dating...  so i spent nearlly a year un-single, even if it wasn't the same guy.

And i saw my awsome maryville friends,  And i've spent time with angela, and my mom, and connie and i chatted last night... and i've wow'd

and yet i feel incomplete.  I feel like lamenting my life.  I'm sad today.  I normally don't have sad days, just moments, but today, I am sad.  I feel lost, and not really alone, but deffinatly withdrawn and a fog between me and everyone else.   I can't think of anyone that i could talk to today and feel better...  all i'd do is lament, and say the same shit i always say.

And i've yet to find a job.  And I am looking.  And I am trying, and i AM GETTING SICK OF IT!


I cut off a lot of my hair.  that tends to make me feel better, doing something drastic.   that lasted a day or two max...   I want to refresh my life.  that is what i feel like now.  And I don't know how.  The ideas i have that I normally do...  they fail me now.  Tis not right...   I think it is because temporary, surface level refreshers just aren't enough for me anymore.   And the big ones, take work, and just don't happen on a snap.


I am sad, but I will still keep chuggin.  when in hell, keep going, the suvinereres aren't worth it.

10:37pm: when i get dejected.

like now

I go and grab my large, pink, poodle....  Her name is Priscilla...   And i sit with her at my computer.

Priscilla is what i requested money from my mom for on valentines day.  The day Justin broke up with me.

He should of got me the poodle, instead of singledom for that day.  i would of preferred it.

But i got both.  I guess a win and lose in one.

I feel shitty.

1:27am: 8 Months...  Ended on Valentines day.  Happend to be at the location of our first date too.


How romantic.

Lets just say, i could be feeling better right about now...  I have yet to decide if i pissed off some serious karmic forces, or if it is just my time to get shat on horrendously.

1:54am: justin and I are on a 'break'

his doing...

He needs more time, he is just SOOOO busy now...  and he is unable to take care of me the way i want....

he doesn't want to have my company for a while...

he wants me to also get better some whilst we spend some time away from each other.

get better as, Get employeed and more active, so I'm not so blobby....



I keep screaming to msyelf, why is this happening to me? w hy is he doing this to me?  but then i have to remind myself, he is not doing this to me, he is doing this for himself.  He just can't handle me anymore.  and you know what?  that is what has ended more than half of my relationships....  the real ones can't handle me anymore...  *or don't like girls*

my dearest angela has helpped me oodles though.  She sat with me whilst i screamed in my car.  she gave me a juice box.  she let me sit in the back room at work andwatch a movie.  she bought me dinner and sushi, she paid for a few games at the arcade, she got me a hair thang that i've been wanting and two chapsticks, she bought me some pepermint icecream and then put gas in my vehicle that was completely out of gas...  and she was with me thru my crying and screaming today, my back and forth.  and she was fun.

hell, if it wasn't for the shit with justin, i would of had a damn awsome day, thanks to my beloved angela.

so thankful, even in the midst of tears.

I don't know what i'm going to do about justin...  i've gone ahead and removed him from my phone...  that way i won't have the oppertunity to call...  ask connie, i tend to not leave a person alone once there is seperation, because seperations are hardly pleasent and I always want to know what the fuck happend.

Maybe i should of lied to justin this morning and told him, yeah i love you instead of telling him the truth...  that i'm incaple of love right now because i'm sooo holed up in my misery and the desire to no longer live and the little hell hole i chill in whenever i'm not distracted....  I'f i'm so full of my own peronal hell, how could i love him?   I would of loved to loved him...  but after this, a part of me is thankful that right now i don't.  It would be worse.


my 'boyfriend' doesn't want anything to do with me for 'a lil while'

what a feburary.  of course i'm not yet allowed one of those REALLY good valentines days, am i?

but here is what i'm hopeing:  That this that he is doing to us,  his decision/desire is good for him.  that it is what he was needing and will be better for it.  that it isn't wasted.   And that maybe, just maybe i'll find some benifit out of the situation also.

I don't know if i will ever want to get back with him....  to keep the pain less, i'm considering a permanant break up and not a "he doesn't want anything to do with me for a while"   Cuz the latter hurts more.  And i give myself enough hell, i don't need extra from him.

6:51pm:

I’m so sick of my world.  I want it to be something else.

 

There isn’t what I want on this earth.

 

But then again, I am not even quite sure what I want on this earth.

 

There really ought to be soundtracks to life.  Mine would often play ‘duvet’ by boa.  The words don’t mean much to me, but the sound of the music does.

 

 

Closest thing I could get to right now…  if the world bended to my whims:

Darkened room with muted purple lighting.  A pleasant, soul-southing incense and a lava lamp.  Just cuz I like lava lamps.   Laying on a bed, with pillows, many comfortable, bright, flavorful pillows.  Possibly a cat near by, but not necessary.  And music.  The kind of music that sings to the misery inside.  The kind of music that brings it out of you and lets it slip onto the pillows via tears.  The kind of music that can find the hollow inside, run around in it and come back out, bringing forth just some of the filth left inside.  And then you can play the music that restores the hollow.  Puts a little something pleasant inside.  Unfortunately the little something pleasant gets corrupted, but then again it IS inside a putrid hole.

 

 

1:14am: Still alive.

Not been doing as well...

But been playing LOTS of world of warcraft...  with thom.  Tis super super fun...


Still with justin...
Still looking for job...
Not in school...

2:05pm: MY TATTOO
This is my tattoo. You may of remember me mentioning it in the last post. it is on the right calf, outer side, almost in the knee pit. Tis my ginkgo biloba leaf. The ginkgo biloba is an ancient tree that is very adaptable. Tis the only one in it's geneus and possibly more. there are billion of year old fossils of this plant and it's leaf. Tis one of my favorite trees.

4:38am: so, there has been some silence from the Raye front, ne?

Sorry i missed your birthday kim chan...  but i didn't even know when it was, and no one told me. :(

A week ago, i got my first tattoo.  It is a ginkgo biloba leaf, just the lines, no shading on the outer part of my back right calf.  there is a picture to come, once a cord for the digi has been found.

I've been packing up my home room...  and will be packing up my dorm room this week.  i gotta be moved out by the 16th...  heh.

Justin lost his job a lil over a week ago.  This has put some serious dampers on his plans.  Makes for lots of sadness...  It had put a damper on his moving out to a better environment for him...  but he has finagled a way to manage, so he WILL get to move out to some friends.  Very pleased for him.  ever so.

Today was our 6th month anniversary.  Tis important to me, because even though i was with Ryan 9 months, and with Connie 7 months...  there had been break ups within those times.  With Justin, we have not broken up and gotten back together.  So most truly, it has been my first full 6 months EVER dating someone.  I am pleased.

He took me to olive garden.  I liked the atmosphere, but unfortunately, i think fazoli's chicken parmigiana is HELLA better and cheaper.  So are the breadsticks.  Oh wells.  it was so sweet of him and enjoyable.

Then we came back to my dorm.  i set my two twin beds up to resemble a couch, and it was strewn with blankets and pillows, for snugglin.  I had gotten us both a pair of house slippers, had hot chocolate and cookies and popcorn and sparklin cider at the ready, had some LED candles flickerin, and the room was dark and cold.   I was SUPOSE to have a roaring fire cracklin on my tv screen, but the images didn't get downloaded in time... :(  alas, the thought was all there.  he was very tickled to see all that.

Not to mention he knew i was wearing lingerie under my skirt.   Just some stockings and a garter belt, but it was fun. to show it off.  i felt sexy, even thought i looked a bit sexy.  AND THAT, is a rare accomplishment.


I dread moving home.  I don't want to be around so many people.  i don't' want to be without my compy and my most easy access...  i don't want to sleep with clothes on.   I am going to be sharing a room with my ex, but still very good friend, Connie.   We are going to drive each other nuts, I'm sure.

And I've been mostly okay lately... After a night of dangerous urges that i was having to forcibly control, they put me on seroquel (sp)  that they use on bipolar patients some times...  After I've been on that for a few weeks, the urges, if and when they happen, are much, much less strong and easily diverted by thinking about something else.  Which is nice.  I had truly scared myself at one point...  so much so, i had Justin wake up at 2:30 am in a cold ass morning to come take care of me...  The only real way he calmed me down was to tell me a story :D  He is a good man to me.  I am thankful.

But with doing mostly okay now, i wonder, could i of managed school for another semester?  Not because I want to go to school, but i don't want to give up presidency of anime club, appreciated or not...  and i don't want to move off campus, and I don't' wanna lose my VA monies....  But it wasn't a chance worth taking, not at this juncture.  But maybe with me doing okay lately, I'll be able to hold a job for a bit.

I'll need the job so i can pay for my meds, since I'll be losing them when i move to a different county. :(  I'm scared for that.  i don't' know if my county offers any services like this county does.  Also I'll need the job to pay off my outstanding debt at MWSU, so that it won't look AS bad when i go to ask for a business loan.

That is right...  I hope to open up my business, art supply store that caters to MWSU students, around April or may.  I have a lot of preliminary work done, and a few spots picked out for location...  but if I'm going to ask for a loan, i don't want to have to show that i owe MWSU 1500+ dollars.

Whelp, i think that covers the basics of most stuff.  Take care all.

Raye B's

7:49am:

4:53pm: Lessen of the day:

Take TWO dairy enzyme pills with that glass of milk in the morning, or be prepaired to be stuck on the OTHER side of campus and sick as a dog...

to only become 'ill' as you reach the first floor of your dorm... and you live on second.


at least 2 out of three made it into the grass ;D

1:06am: Current game plan:

quit school. For now, until i feel like learning from it again.

move home and share a room with either connie or sir tom.

use the next month's $800 dollars to pay on credit card and buy lots of plastic tubs for storage in the storage shed i pay for. Plastic tubs so that the bugs won't get in, and I'll actually use the shed. And buy x-mas gifts.

find job that will give me, hopefully 300 bucks a month, so that i can pay back on student loan, make min payments on credit cards and pay my other bills.

start work on my business plan, possibly momma's business plan.

become an utter loser?



For those who read this and my decisions affect your life, please note that this is still very iffy, in the works. there is a lot about this i hate. HATE... but at this point in time, this truly looks like the most feesible option with how my behavior has been lately... I act like a loser bum, i'll live like a loser bum... pud job, sharing a room with someone in my own home owned by my momma... dropped out of college type.


alas...

3:18am: This morning when i woke after just 3 hours of sleep, i went to use the restroom.


I had to do #2... very important..

I get a HUGE ASS wave of nausea, sets on in 1 min flat.

I know i have to vomit.

I grab the trash can.

In sets light-headedness. Tunnel vision.

How bout that, i'm about to faint.

I grab the towel bar, and start setting the trash can down.




I come to.

I'm leaned back to the left.

The trashcan is sideways on the floor, stuff knocked out. By the trajectory and shit, it fell from my hands a bit.

I'm gurgling thru vomit in my mouth and nose. My feet are slowly shuffling in front of me.

I keep leaning back a bit till i realize what is going on.

I sit up and spit out a bit of vomit, start tearing up and blow my nose numerously.

Some herbs, perhaps lettuce comes out onto the tissue.

There's an onion on the wall beside me.

No vomit anywhere else. not on me, not on the floor. Just in my mouth and nose.

Commence the Diarrhea.

Sit in restroom for 7 min with the horrid sting of vomit IN your nose and mouth and throat as you are forced to finish the toilet duty.

And, no alcohol involved.



I called justin, he was very concerned, half thought i had a seizure. i called the campus nurse, she suggested i go to pattee hall or urgent care. Call justin back, he comes over to take me where i want to go. Call mom and let her know what is going on. Bleck w hat a crappy morning.

So justin takes me to patee hall, and we proceed to wait over and hour and a half, he not of sleeping yet cuz he got off work then came over... just to be told that sometimes this sort of thing happens. Double check the pregnancy possibility, even put a stethoscope to my belly and squished on it. But i've been using the birth control correctly so nyah..

Then i slept for most of the day. i was still tired and a lil woogy.


Take care :D

12:59pm: A Child's Lament
Today marks five years after my father's passing this earthly realm.

and ya know what, I celebrate it. And no, not in the negative way.


A little voice came on the phone
Said "Daddy when you coming home"
He said the first thing that came to his mind


My father was a good man. He did right by my sister and me our whole lives.

However, he hadn't always lived right by my mother, his maker or himself. He had some inner demons. There are those friends of mine who know my dad's history, his story of the time before his death.

However, those who know, also know that he had a year where he lived right. He lived right by my mom, got right with his maker for himself and he finally forgave himself, loved himself and did right by his own self. He got better. He had a successful year of battling his demons from his life. He died successful.


I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground


His death was only sad to me in very few ways. Obviously the simple, yet strong sadness and pain of his leaving. The not having him during my life doing the dad things. The see my graduate the academy. The expression of being proud because I did well on the god damn chemistry exam. The going back to school after a semester off. The loves, the losses. He hasn't be around for that. And yeah, it is sad. Typing this makes me cry, and i haven't cried about my dad in a while. But that type of sadness, the missing sadness for the future... that fades over time. No, never goes away, and anyone who has lost knows this... but it fades... it fades to where it isn't your driving force during your day, week, or even month.


I'm the whisper in the wind
I'm your imaginary friend
And I know I'm in your prayers
Oh I'm already there


The other sadness is all the grief and hassle that came afterwards. Those who know me and my mother and sister now may never of known there was a year and a half where i quite disliked them and their life and didn't want to be a part of that. That is only because we were not together to share our grief and expressed it in vastly different ways that took some growing up, on my part, to come to grips with.

But other than those two very real sadness's, his death was happy. He had the good year before hand, and he went well. My father had health problems... in his later years, he was concerned to go to the hospital for fear of possibly dying on the operating table.


She got back on the phone
Said I really miss you darling
Don't worry about the kids they'll be alright


However before my father died, he and my mother went out and had a nice dinner together. came home and went to bed. Mom couldn't sleep, so she went out onto the couch. during the night dad woke up and went to talk to her, they said their love you good-nights and he went back to bed and she slept on the couch. Father died. He died in his sleep with his heart giving out. Coroner said that he didn't even wake before hand. That is the best way to go.

His death was happy for him, and I will celebrate it and smile that he died as he did.


I'm already there
Don't make a sound
I'm the beat in your heart
I'm the moonlight shining down


Of course one of my only TRUE regrets in life comes from this event. As my father died on NOV 1st, means Halloween, also known as Samhain in the pagan community is the night before. That Monday, I had told dad I'd call him on wednesday. Wednesday ended up being the 31st, and I went out with my pagan friends and had the best night of my life. I decided i would not call dad that day, and I would call him later that week. Next morning, the guy went and died on me. Luckily, i don't have to deal with the guilt of him not knowing i loved him. He knew. He knew I was glad he got better. His and mine relationship got better because he got better. But i do still regret not keeping my word to him and talking to him one last time before he died when was suppose to. But alas, it was not meant to be, so it did not.

I do miss my dad. I don't remember him well... So much happened in the summer/fall of 01 for me, i really don't remember feelings of then... and I'm really bad of remembering what people are like, what they look like, who they ARE/were if i don't have often interaction with them. There are only a few people who have ever broken me of that, and that is only cuz they tried so hard to stay close to me after distance happened.


Though we may be a thousand miles apart
I'll still be with you wherever you are


Daddy,
I miss you. Thank you for raising Alex and i as long as you did. Thank you for staying with us past your liver transplant, past your heart attack. Thank you for being a good man and thank you for conquering your demons. Thank you for being supportive and proud. Thank you for being goofy and wearing that silly safari hat and dancing to the music at the end credits of movies. thank you for being a broom maker. Thank you for not taking the easy way out and getting better. thank you for the motorcycles and the framing of my poem, and driving to me the haunted house so i can work. Thank you for being stubborn. Thank you for lookin a bit like bozo the clown. Thank you for having curly hair. thank you for going to grants farm for your birthday. Thank you for talking to me on 9/11. thank you for sitting on the driveway and watching the summer thunder and lightning. Thank you for not thumping my arm anymore when i asked you to stop. Thank you for not calling me lazy anymore per my request. Thank you for always trying to show off your trumpet or piano skills when I'd take out the instruments. Thank you for having characteristics i have found in all my loves, Ryan, Connie and Justin. I'm glad you met Ryan, my first love. And I'm very sorry you have not met the others. Thank you for being at your funeral, for me to see your ghost. Thank you for loving me, and being my dad as long as you were able to. Thank you, and again, i miss you.


Though we may be a thousand miles apart
I'll still be with you wherever you are

~I'm Already There
Artist: Lonestar